“Badger, the Ox-like Moron” continues…

Once again, we find Badger in the kitchen, staring into an empty cabinet. In one hand he held a large mixing bowl, filled to brim with milk. The other hand he waved around inside the empty cabinet, clutching at some invisible object. The process of doing both actions at once was taxing to his physical and mental coordination, and soon milk was sloshing out onto the floor.

“Honey, where’s all the cereal? I swear there was 5 boxes of it up here just a minute ago!”

” There was 5 EMPTY boxes there a minute ago. Did you think that by putting the empty boxes back into the cupboard would miraculously cause the boxes to fill up again with cereal?”

She was standing at the stove, stirring a large soup pot of simmering liquid. Next to the stove was a variety of cleaning products, bleach, scouring powder, disinfectant, and ammonia. Each were inscribed in permanent marker “BADGER, USE THESE TO CLEAN UP THE KITCHEN!”. None had been opened, until now.

Badger shuffled across the room, slopping more milk with each step. ” Gosh, you could have told me!” he whined. ” Now I spilled all the milk. Will you clean it up? I gotta get going.”

“Slip, slide, you silly oaf..” she muttered as she opened up the bleach bottle and poured a couple glugs into the pot. Immediately the scent of bleach filled the air.

“Whatever you’re cooking sure smells good, dear.” Badge was wiping the milk on the floor with a plastic shopping bag. ” I just hope I can have some; my diverticulosis is real bad today, and my hemorrhoids are acting up. And it’s still not a very Christian thing to do, talking low when I can’t hear you. ”

She was stirring the pot, and was commencing to add disinfectant to her recipe. ” Badger dear, can you tell me what time it is?” she was looking at a very old sheet of paper, and noted the instructions said to time the cooking after the disinfectant.

The clocks, all four of them– one on each wall– were the large school-room types. Badger, however, chose to use the microwave clock.

” It’s 19:20 ” he said, wiping his hands with the now-dripping plastic bag.

“What time did you say?”

” I SAID, 19:20!”

She turned and peered at the microwave. ” That’s the microwave timer! Can’t you see the word “timer” flashing?” She pushed the button to clear the timer, and the correct time, 6:53 a.m. popped up.

“Well, who the heck set the timer on the microwave?” he shouted indignantly.


to be continued…..


The Adventures of Badger, the Ox-like Moron, Part 1

 ” Is someone going to make some more coffee, please?” he whined as he held the coffee pot under the faucet.
“Yeah, YOU are.”, she muttered under her breath while sharpening the butcher knife. It was a puzzling thing to see, since there was nothing to butcher, no chicken to cut up, no ham to slice.
“But I …can’t make coffee as good as you. And besides, it’s not very Christian to talk with your mouth shut and I can’t hear you.”
His voice was not unlike the sound of sludgy  water dripping  into a pan of old gravy..you know the type, the stuff that’s been in the fridge one day too long, clumpy and with a thick skin on top of it. Or maybe like the sound of a sick mosquito trying to stay alive in a sloth’s ear that is terribly infected and pustulous.
to be continued