But it’s not.


snot

 

Ok, I’m only going to blog this once…I have a cold of monumental proportion.  What started out as a teensy cough has morphed into a sinus infection, sore throat, and bronchitis all rolled up into one big ball of used Kleenex.  Having diabetes and being married to a foreigner is child’s play compared to being this kind of sick.

For one thing, I can not stand to have anyone hovering over me when I’m feeling rotten. (So,obviously, I’m not a guy). Yes, get me a cup of tea and a full box of tissues, but then leave me the hell alone. I do NOT want you turning on the overhead light in the bedroom and asking me if you should turn off the light. I also do NOT want you to decide this is the right time to collect hangers out of the closet (imagine the sound of hangers being scraped across the closet bar. Exactly.) and proudly announce that you will be doing some ironing today.  Do NOT tune into CNBC on the tv, crank the sound up, and complain about the prices of crude oil, soy beans, or the value of the Euro.  I don’t want to talk about balancing the bank account. I don’t want to talk about anything at all. Don’t ask me if I want a toasted camembert cheese sandwich.  Just, go, away.

Oh, about this cold.  Where does all this mucus and phlegm come from? Is there a pocket somewhere inside the body that cultivates it and then, at an opportune time, like right before a job interview, that pocket of phlegm dumps into your lungs and creeps up into your sinuses?  I know they say you should double up on your liquid intake when you have a cold. This propaganda has to be  spread by cold medicine and tissue manufacturers, because the more water/tea/gatorade/ hot toddies you drink, the more mucus develops, until you finally decide a jar would be handier (and cheaper) than tissues.

And another thing: we all know to cover our mouths when we cough or sneeze.  Back in the day, (like, when “Father Knows Best” was the most popular show on tv), the proper way to do this was to make a loose fist, then cough or sneeze  into that fist. Polite, and tidy, but anyone coming in contact with that hand is guaranteed a 7 day sniffle-fest. Now we are urged to cough or sneeze into the crook of the elbow, where’s there a lesser chance of spreading those cooties.  Hopefully you’re wearing long sleeves when this occurs.  I’m of two minds here.  It is better to cough or sneeze into the crook of your elbow, sanitarily speaking. But what if the end product  of that cough or sneeze has visible chunks residue?  Using your hand gives you the opportunity to nonchalantly slide your hand into your pocket and wipe the phlegmage onto the pocket lining.  Not that I’ve ever done that, but I have a friend who knows someone who does.  Use the crook of your elbow, and you’ve got physical evidence that is visible to everyone around you, especially that lady at the perfume counter at Von Maur’s or that hot guy standing next to you in the elevator.

Ok, I think that’s quite enough about mucus. I think I need to dose up on benedryl and Mucinex, take a long hot bath, and go to bed. With a jar.

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