I’m giving back MY bonus


As  former Vice President and CEO of Amalgamated Oscillating Flywheels,Inc., I am giving my year-end bonus back after my company recieved a TARP bailout from the government.

After seeing the outpouring of utter disgust and hatred by the common people of the United States regarding the bonuses paid to Corporate bigwigs via taxes paid by said hard working simple folks, I realized that it would shine favorably upon my reputation to refuse the bonus I had received from my former place of employment. 

I was given the request to remove myself from my position at AOF, Inc sometime in February. As all phone calls were (and to my knowledge, still are) recorded at AOF, Inc, it came to someone’s attention in HR that I had, via a phone conversation with a customer (heretofore referred to as ‘simple common folk’ or SCF, for short), showed empathy and compassion for the particular SCF I was speaking with, claimed to ‘identify’ with said SCF’s inability to pay the invoice they had just received, and offered them the opportunity to opt for a payment arrangement (or, per AOFspeak, “Promise to Pay”).

I had alson, while knowing the conversation was being recorded for posterity and/or termination purposes, advised the SCF there were less expensive flywheels available to them that would serve the same telecommunication needs for the SCF, but at a much lower price.   Unbeknownst to me, this was an option we were to offer ONLY if SCF threatened to take their service elsewhere…which, according my calculations, is about 83% of the customers who call in with queries about their service and account.

Customer chose to order less expensive flywheel, extended his contract for an additional 2 years, and also ordered a variety of rectifiers, diodes, and 3G modifiers to go with the flywheel. All of which, upon completion of the transaction, entitiled me to a commission, which would be sent to me in the form of a bonus.

Just the other day I received my bonus, although I have been disassociated with AOF, Inc. since Feb. 11, 2009. Being a conscientious person and not wanting someone to paintball my house, I am returning the check for $00.38 to AOF immediately.

I feel so much better already.bonus1

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